I am not anti-family.

I love mine even if it sometimes seems through differences of opinion that I don’t. But, hey, I can’t help that not everyone is as enlightened and consistently correct as I am.  And in spite of my failed attempts at forming my own domestic bliss I have longed for and would still like a happily-ever-after final chapter to my life.

What I am annoyed by and to which I experience a slight body shudder when I hear it applied, is the phrase “Family Friendly”. To be clear, I know it has a good purpose when used in certain circumstances, but I see it as a form of judgment and self-loathing in certain usages.

GLBT Pride events began as a form of protest and a political statement. Parades and festivals evolved over time and became, with growing success in gaining equal rights, a celebration. It became a time to celebrate hard won victories.

Before the modern GLBT Rights Movement began at the Stonewall Inn in New York City in 1969, mistreatment of Gays and the need to seek the safety of the “closet” was universal, and even in the years since, depending on where you live, although not as common, it is still there.

The unknown can be a scary thing, and the need to be safe from those who acted on ignorance kept Gays in the shadows so their truth could not be learned.

And, so, assumptions were made.

Gay people cannot behave. We were unnatural, sinners, and perverts.  We were pedophiles, unable to control our urges,  dangerous around children, and best kept outside and away from society.

If you lived in the urban areas you could live in a “Gay Ghetto” where it was a little easier, but not truly safe. Social settings, like bars, were hidden and patrons at the mercy of owners who had loyalty to the dollars spend and not the people spending them; at the mercy of those who would physically attack anyone who was perceived as Gay or had done something to lift the veil; and at the mercy of those who wanted to prove their manhood by “beating up a queer” and then bragging about that to friends.

It still happens.

When Bars were raided, IDs were collected, and the names, addresses, and places of employment of those in the bar at the time would be published in newspapers, resulting in loss of housing, jobs, and families.

Those living in rural communities had no safety in numbers and had to hide, or, once found out, deal with the reaction of the other residents of those small towns where everyone knew everyone’s business, and everyone’s business was everyone’s.

In both settings Gay people were killed.

But over time to greater and lesser degrees things changed.

People had died.

People had survived.

There was reason for those latter to celebrate progress and freedom from oppression. Their lives had been changing.

In the urban areas there was greater openness, but in the rural, there is still little change.

Those from rural communities in certain states have one weekend a year to go to a place where no one knows them and no one can spread their business, and enjoy a GLBT festival and a GLBT parade. They have one weekend a year to let their hair down, be with people like themselves knowing that at the end of the one weekend per year they will return home to their community- wide closet and live suppressed and oppressed for another year.
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The festival and parades are for those who had lived the pre-Stonewall days and equality attaining progress, and those in recent times who still have to deal with oppression

Granted, some may go a little overboard in their jubilation and celebrating, but it has to be seen in the context of what was, and is, their daily existence.

As the past becomes fog and history is slowly rewritten by those who did not live it, the importance of the parade and festival for those who did is being lost.

I first encountered the concept of “family friendly” as applied to Pride parades and festivals when I worked on a parade and festival board in the Buckle of the Bible Belt. The festival was held at a public park, rented by the GLBT Community for that purpose. There were the usual festival booths with information and vendors, and a stage for entertainment by various music performers and Drag Queens, and from which speeches were made and awards bestowed.

On one side of the park there was a children’s section as there was an increasing number of GLBT couples with kids, and way over on the other side, separated by the rows of booths and the stage, compliments of a major brewing company, a roped off area where, after you paid a $10 fee and showed your ID you got a wrist band that gave you entry to consume the free beer.

Among the information booths were those with information on health issues, specifically, at many, AIDS, with condoms available for those who wanted them. Among the vendors, along with the usual Rainbow motif goo-gahs, was a booth or two selling sex enhancement items, something that was in limited supply in the big cities as local norms limited stores where such things were sold,  and impossible to get out in the rural areas. This was the time before many places had internet capability.

The parade, unlike many in other cities, was tame by comparison with no nudity or any overt sexuality. It was representative of the local GLBT Community with churches, social and political group contingents, individuals, and commercial companies marching or riding floats, ending at the bars on the “Strip”, that area of the city where the bars and social gathering places were, a safe area in an unsafe city.

The bar owners usually were the largest sponsors of both events, and with the parade ending where it did, there was a huge block party that went into the wee hours.

One year some new members of the all volunteer board demanded that the event become more “family friendly”, which meant removing those things that were specific to adults so that the children would not have to see things that might make them uncomfortable and which their parents might feel the need to explain even if the child did not ask them to.

The “Beer garden” had to go, as did the sex enhancement booths, and the medical information booths needed to be discrete in what they had on their tables. The entertainment had to have more children oriented acts, and the Drag Queens had to tone down their repartee with the audience, watch their language, and only do songs with a G rating.

There was even an attempt to move the parade so it would not end at the “Strip” so that the children would not see people drinking, something that could be avoided had the responsible parents had their children watch the parade from anywhere along the 2 mile parade route and not the last block.

Instead of the festival and parade being a party for those who had survived the past, and who had earned the right to celebrate the changes that had improved their lives, the desire was to orient the weekend as a fun time for children, and to sanitize reality for them.

The implication was, to me anyway, that the beliefs about us held by those who oppressed us, that Gay people cannot behave, are unnatural, sinners, and perverts, and are pedophiles, unable to control urges,  dangerous around children, and best kept outside and away from society were influencing this change. It was implicit acceptance of these falsehoods and it perpetuated them.

It was a form of internalized self-loathing.

What gains had been made in equality were not easily won. The treatment for and information about AIDS came after many deaths through social and political apathy. These things did not just happen, and those who lived before, during, and after the changes should be allowed to celebrate their survival, not have to make it an event for children.

And parents should not fear having to explain things to their kids, but should be happy to tell them what it was like, what it took to make the changes, and why we should be vigilant in order to not lose those gains.

The right of the old guy to celebrate at the festival and the parade, but is alone there because the love of his life had been beaten to death in a parking lot takes precedence over a bouncy castle.

The older members of the GLBT community were told how to act. They could not be themselves unless it fit the requirements and expectations designed by and demanded by the majority community. And now that they have one weekend a year in many places to celebrate and act on victories won, they have to control themselves because of requirements and expectations placed on them by parents for the sake of their children.

It would be better that those parents not support the idea that Gay people cannot behave; we are unnatural, sinners, and perverts;  we are pedophiles, unable to control our urges,  dangerous around children, and best kept outside and away from society, and relate history to them so they will know how it was an why the older people are celebrating.